confused

And life goes on.

My boyfriend and I have moved in together... We lucked out, scoring the bottom half of a large house in SE Portland for a good price. The top half is vacant (will soon be used as office space for our landlord), so it feels like owning a house. Hardwood floors throughout, two bedrooms, and it's surrounded by lush gardens/plants/trees. Today's the first day it's rained (like reeeeally rained) since we moved in, and I'm totally loving the sound of the rain on the leaves...

Things are going well with us... at least I think they are, hehe. Sometimes it's hard to turn off that suspicious voice, the one that's convinced that every man is a cheater. But he's spent more than a few nights "working late" (and later complaining he has nothing to do at work). I don't know... it feels silly to type this, but where else to write these feelings down except my diary, right?

The thing is, a few months ago I looked at his own blog and found some stuff I really didn't want to see. Stuff about being interested in a girl at work, her asking him out, and some comment about him not being 'sincere' with me (and then no further explanation to what he meant!). I knew exactly which girl at work he was referring to, because they've hung out a couple times after work to my knowledge, and he always swore she was a lesbian. I never believed that, and then the blog just proved I was right -- she's not. And it seems she is (or was) interested in him.

We fought it out... I finally decided that, because this all went down in the first month or two of our relationship, I could look past it. The relationship had grown since then, and we were closer than ever, and I trusted him now. I looked back on emails I'd written to my sister around that time and remembered that I, too, wasn't completely sure this relationship would work or if I wanted to be in it...I figured that, since my feelings had changed, his could change, too, and it seems they had.

But now he's coming home late from work. And shaving more often.

I'm probably reading too much into nothing. I hate that I do that. I don't want to believe that, after all that fighting about the blog, after a year together, after getting a place together, that he'd be fucking around on me. But his comment that he's not sincere with me continues to haunt me, and I'm stricken with this paranoia that he's one of these guys that has a serious girlfriend but screws other chicks the whole time they're together.

Grrrr. I have half a mind to erase this entire entry. But I guess I'll leave it for now. Maybe re-reading it will lend some better perspective...